Is that a ninja up there?

So I'm uncreative and decided to rip a title from the song I'm listening to-- 'Hey! Is that a Ninja up There?' by Minus the Bear.

Truth be told when I'm depressed my creativity runs dry. Hence, why my icon is Silver, Crystal, and Gold from Pokemon (and since nobody hardly reads this blog anyways except me I don't really even get why I'm talking.)

I purposely made it hidden so nobody could read it anyways and I forget about it so much. It's more of a diary than anything, keeping personal thoughts and wonders to it's digital confines. I should do something with it, at least.

But I suppose the true reason I came here was because I have nobody to turn to, not to go on mindlessly about Pokemon and a song by a band nobody's ever heard of.

Going along with that thought now, I've mulled myself into a depression. Again. And sure it seems like every post I make here has some kind of cryptic depression, but it's moreover a place for me to hide my deepest thoughts that not even I can understand unless I look at them again. Jesus Christ I sound brainless right now. It's called a diary you dumbfuck, buy one and use it!

But then there's that overwhelming fear of someone finding it. ..... But then someone could find this as well. Oops, mulling that hole again.

Anyways, let's get onto the depressing topic at hand. Maybe it's that 'three week' curse coming around again, because as of August 28th, that makes one month me and this new girl have been dating. And I'm only making myself look like an idiot by being insane and paranoid again and I've had someone tell me over and over it's just normal. But I've been hurt too many times and call me selfish but I don't want to be hurt again. It's just too much for me to take and every time it happens I swear up and down I won't do it again.

But then something fucking stupid happens and I go out and do it again. And I have a feeling this might actually be the last time because I've I'm driving myself into nightmares and odd dreams and mindlessly insane feelings over this girl then I doubt I know what actual love is. Call me rational, I don't give a damn. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't know how to communicate.

Or maybe I've been right about myself all along and I just need to close up my heart and never ever ever ever let anyone in again. It seems to work for the villains in the movies, .... right before they get beat badly and are never seen again.

....... Or they find out love was what they needed all along DAMN IT. There I go again making stupid assumptions

Maybe I'm just going about this all wrong. Yeah. Maybe I'm just letting that crazy paranoid voice in the back of my head talk louder than the positive thoughts. Everything is okay. Nothing's wrong.

Or maybe I was right all along and I was right to let my inner senses take over in a dry selfish attempt at trying to save my shattered sanity and overly-active emotions.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy. So that way I didn't have feelings about these kinds of things, or the need for attention, just kind of living..... bang whoever and date every girl in the school, be popular. That seems to work for the football jocks.

Distorted reality, how come you are so cruel?

In all normality of the sake of things.

I would usually start this with some kind of creative title, but for now I'm at a lack.

I haven't updated this in over two months now, it seems. I guess that's just the way it is, perhaps.

Summer is pretty much almost over, which always brings that odd feeling with Autumn and then the cold taste of a Michigan Winter. I always hate those. By about January I get sick of the snow and I want it to be spring already.

Then the snow melts away by March, bringing over a new feeling of renewal and freshness, and then things start warming up again in May, bringing the well needed and missed warmth.
Then summer.
Then fall.
Then winter.
Repeat. Life goes on, babies are born, lives are changed, people die. That's just how things are. It doesn't matter, and looking at it through the glass can really make someone's life feel abysmal and painful.

You grow up with your friends, as children, innocently playing in the sandbox together and you enter school. You learn those jokes that make you giggle when you're 12, and then groan when you're 22. Your own friends start having children and you wonder if you should start settling down.
You approach fifty and you began to dawn back on all those memories, holding onto them before they slip out of your grip if you're the unlucky one cursed with Alzheimer's disease. Then you die. Life starts anew again. Life isn't easy no matter what way you cut it, but you can make the most of it.

Or, that's how my life was anyways. I lived next to a boy that I had known since I was three, and we played together. Then my cousin moved next door and the three of us played together on occasion. Usually it was me and her.
Then I moved away when I was 10 years old. It was depressing, leaving the house I grew up in, but being so young it didn't bother me as much and I moved on.

Turning 12 brought another move with my father, and we now live in the home we're currently at still.
I'm sixteen now. I wish we'd leave, but at the same time, I don't want to.

Ugh I am so tired from typing this. I get tired usually when I concentrate heavily.

Anyways, back on topic. Perhaps..... in our search for ourselves and what we need in life, we get lost. We take tours along the roads that offer us what we want, what we need, what we don't need, and the things we loathe. Heartbreak, pain, destruction, love, joy, emotion. It's all the same, in a simple-minded sense. No matter what way you turn someone, we are all people on the inside, with real human emotion and very real memories.

Whether them being the pain and misery of a broken childhood or an uncomfortable car conversation ( Yes, I am referencing someone here. She should get it, aha. ) we all have those moments that make us want to pull our hair out and stab someone or fall to our knees at the sheer feeling of happiness and miracles. It's life in it's heavy splendor, and its a mystery in the shining.

Now enough being overly poetic and cryptic, it's time to bid my farewells to you all and maybe I'll stop updating once in a blue moon, eh?

-- monday

And here comes the bullet

And if you read the last entry you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friends, family, people. Why do they matter to us when human nature takes over and they hurt us so viscously?

Then again, why do I have bouts of depression, say I'm doing one thing, and then fine the next? It's simple.
I'm an attention whore. I don't intend to be. I just spurt off things I don't necessarily mean to say.

So if you have some abiding concern over me, I'm telling you now to get over it. I'm fine and there's no worrying.

And if you have a concern, allow me to state it like this.
If I live through this, whoo. I can out everyone through this another week!

If I do not, it's better that way.

So Today

Life decided to catch up with me; again. It's like a train you try to out run, but in the end it always hits you.

last night, I had my iPod taken away over one of the most idiotic reasons ever. I was using the camera. But that's fine, I guess.
When my aunt started talking to my dad and he started getting pissed off and wanting to take it out on me again, I went to my room and cried.
I was depressed.

So then I went outside for a bit and dealt with myself.
It was all good.

Well, today. No iPod.
Dad bitches at me for wearing my eyeliner on my eyelids ( Look at Jared Leto. It's like that. It's not like, scene. ) and tells me whatever.
I don't care.

I go to school and I tell my friends of this BS. And they offer me to go live with them, which I might just take up. I love my dad and all but I'm getting sick and tired of these invasions of privacy. I don't go through his life. He shouldn't go through mine. I'm doing nothing that endangers my health or anyone else, sexually active, or even dating. Therefore, he has no rhyme or reason to be messing with my things and this is totally unabashed and void.

Annnndd my sister, to show me her class in an attempt for..... Hell, I don't even know what she was after with this... whatever, showed me a video that one of the moms made.
I don't really like the elementary school moms anyways. They're pretty stiff upper lip and they act like it's the 1980's still.
But whatever, can't do anything about it.
So I kind of left with a heavy weight on me.
Her class is doing all this great stuff and what not.
What have I done all school year?
Failed classes, made some friends, established my future career, listened to music, did schoolwork, got bitched at, made friends, lost friends, stuck with P*DS, dated a guy for three weeks and had it not work at all.
Got over it, failed Algebra, departed ways with my mentor ( Note; email her ) failed Algebra some more, had more stress thrown on me like I could deal with it, started coming to terms with I had feelings for a thirteen year old girl, admitted them to someone, went through panic, told the girl, dated her for three weeks, broke up, had a depression spiral, failed an exam again, did well in history, learned to draw manga, still getting over said girl, had a kind of great birthday, then had the best gift taken away, anddddd are now dealing with the ungrateful bastard that is my father.
I do everything I can. Sure, I'm lazy. Sure, I bitch about chores, sure, I do this, sure I do that. I deal with a lot more things that I should and because of the way I act and because of how I am, people judge me because it's against their values.
Cool.
Guess it's apart of being a teenager, I guess.

Well, with only nine days left of school now, guess I can't complain. Better hope I pass the re-take I finished today and the quiz I took. Better hope my dad doesn't have another ragefit and take one of the only outlets for my emotion that I have left.
Or he goes through my things again.
Better hope for the best even if the worst is yet to come, and then take the medicine without throwing up, right?

Buuuttt this utterly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach means I'm bound for another panic attack, followed by more depression.
Wish me well.

And now, an intervention

Well, moreover, a shot in the face.

I just don't understand anything.
Why three weeks?

Oh, wait, let me backtrack.
January. Sometime In January, I've no idea.
I got asked out for the first time.
And it was a wonderful feeling, yes it was.

But three weeks later before our one month, it was cut off.
I look back at it with a vague sense of 'wow I was foolish' and such. I guess we all go through that with the first time.

Now, the second time..... more tastefully sinful, as I'll call it.
A girl.
Perhaps the only person I'll ever love in my life because I love that girl.
But, now, it's over.... again, three weeks.
Except it's two days before my birthday.

So, let's make a list of things.

One, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, evvvverrr date again.
Two, don't ever believe the 'it's not you it's me', because with me, it's always me. Always.

And maybe it's because I'm too childish or even too cliche over overly-romantic.
But..... hell, maybe I'm even overreacting.
Maybe I should be a big girl and toughen up.

Either way, maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day....

Well let's get a handle here, shall we?

Hello. How goes everything today? I hope well.

Anyways, it's been a bit since I've been here and I've done nothing for this site as to posts. Well, whatever.
Anyways, if you're following me from my deviantart, this will be more toned down, and more of the personal aspects of my life. Haha, blogging. Never thought I'd get into it, really. But I can't anyways. It took me darn near a month to get myself here.

I tend to abuse the word 'anyways'. I use it a lot in transitions. Ugh....

Erm-- um, let's get some information.
My birthday is in three days! Well, almost two now as I type this.... wow... um, I'll be turning sixteen. I'm very young according to some people but I senior over a lot of my friends.
As for my favourites, I like rock music, well, actually, I like all kinds of music except for modern rap and the teeny-bopper pop stuff. I don't like that.
But I'm a very open person when it comes to music, just try me!
I write, and I like to draw. I don't do either very well, or at least I think so. It's just me, I guess.
I'd like to pursue a career in music, that'd be my life's dream, becoming a guitarist like my idols Kurt Cobain, or John Lennon, or even Jimi Hendrix. They're all greats even if they are dead before their time.

Mm, I could name off the bands I like all day. But that'd be a huge list. I'll hook you a link to my playlist in the end and you can browse for yourself.
Of course, the list is rather incomplete.

As for other fields, um. We've covered future job, age, and favourites. Let's run down the list.

I do not have a job, yet. I hope to find one soon so I can make some money and buy things I want and save up for various things.

I am a girl, as mentioned. My name is Katie, but I run under numerous aliases including Len, Matthew, and Monday. I don't necessarily ( damn I can't spell that word ) 'have' a name, but I'd prefer if you referred to me as some form of these names.

And as mentioned being a girl, I'm also agnostic and bisexual. I support pro-choice, the LGBT community, the outspoken voices in life, and numerous other causes. These are things that I've chosen in my life, please do not judge me or tell me down because of this. I understand you have your opinions and I have mine, but I don't tag after you for these things, now do I?

I suppose there's no theme for my blogging. I guess I'll come here when I remember it and start rambling on as I will. I tend to rant and when I get on a roll I don't stop until I feel better.

I'm a poet! I like writing poetry and I do it often for people. I'll write you a poem, just ask! However, don't abuse this.

In my lifetime, I'd like to attend at least fourteen concerts of my choice, get married to the love of my life, become a successful musician, and make a pair of sneakers for converse. I love those sneakers and I'd like a pair myself.

Plenty people tell me I've influenced them in some way, but I guess that's just their view of me. Personally, I'm a douche bag who treats the people she loves like crap when she feels bad and wants to take out her anger and frustrations in the wrong way, Ah well....

I'm out of things to say, I suppose.
here's the links.

http://www.kittyxiaolin.deviantart.com
^ My dA

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19544606987

One of my numerous playlists.

That's all, taa for now!